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The · Illusion · of · Invisibility

one woman's view on life and living fully

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I just needed to get this out of my system. I think whatever chance of getting a certain male at church to notice me is completely gone. There is this woman at church who has been pursuing him for some time. I kept hoping that he would blow her off and quietly pursue me. I kinda thought that's what he might be doing--been thinking that for some time. Then last Sunday, she announces as a prayer request that she had "someone new in her life." She was very coy about the whole thing. I couldn't tell if she did that to truly ask for prayer, or to slightly brag about this, or to stake her claim. At church, I could have sworn he kept looking at me, but I don't know. Maybe she won him finally.

If she did, I guess I have no other recourse but to be happy for them. I think I'd be happier if she hadn't so blatantly chased him. sigh...

Once again, maybe I'm too silent and closed for my own good.

I wish romance wasn't so darn mysterious. I feel like I'm 12 and still have no idea about all of this.

Well, off to bed for the lonely one. night...
Current Mood:
disappointed disappointed
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I just realized that I haven't commented since before the change of the year. So far, 2006 has been a curious mixture of crazy, amazing, stupid, sad, and happy events...and we're only 10 days in. I guess that's part of being human, eh?

I thought at first that I would make no resolutions. I usually don't because they seem pointless. Then I had someone point out to me that without setting goals we cannot make necessary changes. So I set some goals. One of the biggest goal is to learn how to open my heart to possibilties. This is a tough one for me. I want to open my heart to new relationships, but I'm not sure I know how. I have this fear. I used to pretend I wasn't afraid, but I can't pretend anymore. I am afraid of relationships. They are painful and can go horribly wrong. I know what Wordsworth says, "It's better to have loved, and lost than to...yada yada." I know he's right, but I'm afraid. I don't want to mess up because I have too much at stake.

Anyway, one way I've decided that I can help myself through this fear is to study and read. This is always my answer to things I struggle with. So, I've ordered a book on what I can do to better myself as a woman, and how I can learn to revel in that part that makes me the woman I am. It's silly, but it can't hurt. Maybe I'll learn enough to be able to open the doors that are closed on my heart. They are tightly locked and bolted right now, and I can't seem to pry them open now. Recently, a male friend of mine said that I had seemed "emotionally distant" at a function we attended together (let me clarify this--we were both at the event, but didn't come together). The observation stunned me a bit. Then I realized that he could be on to something. Do I hide when I'm nervous and scared? Maybe that's why I can't connect to men sometimes. I don't mean to act that way, but I know I must do that sometimes. Makes me want to kick myself. Maybe that's why certain people I find interesting (especially at school)never get close enough to actually ask me out. Maybe it's all me--I'm keeping them at arms' length. Now I really want to kick myself.

Teaching is teaching. I'm supposed to be excited, really, but I'm only marginally so. The best part of the teaching is that I have only four classes this quarter. I have a nice space of time in the mornings to accomplish things (until February), so that's not so bad. I just wish I could like teaching more. I just can't. It saps me of my energy. Still, it's a paycheck and it keeps my kids in braces, so I'll endure it a while longer.

My KSU class starts Thursday night. It looks like it might be fun! We will be writing online and designing websites. This could be good for me. There is also an online course being offered in summer. If it is truly an online course, I may take it--it's an editing course. I could get a job doing that.

Well, enough of my whining. I know how much my three readers really enjoy reading this mess (not).

More updates at the end of the week. G will be out of town, and I will miss G very much. Still, there is S and that will be great fun for me.

Till later, my loves.
Current Mood:
contemplative contemplative
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The end of the year is upon us, and I can hardly grasp the concept. Even my children have been going around saying, "It doesn't feel right." The stupid thing is none of us know why it feels different than any other year. Maybe 2005 has just gone too fast, or maybe too many bizarre and tragic things have happened. Or maybe, we were actually having more fun in 2005 than we actually remember. Perhaps a little fireworks and popcorn will remedy this feeling later on...hmmm

This week I went back to work for two days. It was like working in a tomb. I think there were maybe five of us in our part of the building. Thankfully, I had several new CDs to listen to while I cleaned and worked toward the new quarter. I'm actually about 70% ready to start next week.

Oh, who am I kidding? Physically, I'm ready, mentally, I need about two more months. I've really gotten into being home, being mom, and being the writer at home. Now that all has to go away. In a week, I'll be ok, but right now I know how much I will miss being here and doing what I want when I want. Yeah, yeah--let's all help with the "poor, pitiful me" stuff.


On a nicer note, we had a visit from lady_rose30 yesterday. The kids were excited, but had to give up her usual rounds of kisses and hugs because she was on the edge of having the flu. Still we had a wonderful time exchanging gifts and merriment. She looks better than I have ever seen her look. It is amazing what happiness can do for a person. She showed us her beautiful gift from her sweetie (one more reason to be happy) and told us about all the good things that happened over the holiday. We, of course, also shared our good things with her.

It is encouraging to know that life and love can change. Seeing her gives me great hope. In all the time I've known her, I've never seen her sparkle like she was sparkling yesterday. Falling in love and being treated well is great thing.


Well, I'm off in search of interesting things for the coming year. If I don't post again, y'all have a great New Year.

2006 is gonna be the year...I don't know for what...but it will be the year!
Current Mood:
cheerful cheerful
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Well, Christmas has come and gone. All in all, it went pretty well. My brother's little party turned out ok (no embarrassment that I saw), and overall things were good. Saturday was whirlwind. We ate with my brother and his new gf (she's really nice), sped back down to Marietta in time for the Christmas play, and then spent the evening chilling. The kids visited with their dad and exchanged presents. They were back home by eight.

Christmas day was nice. We exchanged presents, played games, went to church, and then stayed close to home. It was cold and wet, so no one wanted to be anywhere but where it was warm. The kids got to talk to C on the phone, which made their Christmas and C's Christmas merrier I'm sure.

My favorite present: going to church for Christmas Day services.

My favorite dish from Christmas: A tie--fruitcake and my mom's pecan pie. Both were excellent!

Now we just count down till the end of the year. I always find the last week of the year sad. I'm not sure why. I should be hopeful, but it's sad to let go of an entire year, even if it's as rocky as this one has been. Well, I'm off to buy pads and try to learn how to roller blade. I bought roller blades for the kids and myself. Hope I don't kill myself learning!

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 My brother has invited us to his house for Christmas dinner. This is surprising because he usually wants no part of us being at his house except on rare occasions. I think this must qualify as the rare occasion. Anyway, he invites us at Thanksgiving (maybe it was the dressing talking) and says he'll cook. All is well. My mom, who is nuts about my brother (no I don't really resent that anymore--got over it), is thrilled. I'm happy because I think that maybe Paul is turning a leaf in his life and actually wants us to be a part of his world (as if). We're all looking forward to seeing his new house (he's been in it almost a year now and this will be our first visit) and having a good time together.

Then this morning I get an e-mail from him.

To paraphrase: I am inviting the woman I've been dating for the last year and a half. Please do not do anything remotely embarrassing or I will never extend an invitation again.

    What are we, the Beverly Hillbillies? If he's so damned worried that we will embarrass him, why invite the gfr? Why not keep us hidden in the deep, dark woods that we so obviously live in and spend Christmas with his all important gfr? It makes me want to show up in full elf regalia and speak only in Elvish the whole visit. It makes me want to tell her all the embarrassing stories I can think of about him and about how he treats his own family. It makes me want to tell my kids to act any old way and be as rude as they can be, because, afterall, we don't have the good common sense to participate in real social activities with actual real people. It makes me not want to go at all and save him the trouble.

This is not what Christmas is about.

    I guess I shouldn't be so upset. I should expect this sort of crap from him. He has lots of money, fancy houses, a child that is spoiled beyond reason, and for him to act anything but like this shouldn't be a huge step for him. I've always sensed that we embarrassed him. I guess I should be proud of him--he finally had the balls to say it aloud. My mother will go into denial. She will say that it's his way of coping. Right now, she's upset, but just wait. In a few days, she'll find a way to excuse this abhorrent behavior in her son. I told her a little while ago, and she actually asked me to e-mail him and find out what he considered "embarrassing." I'd already e-mailed him and was afraid to e-mail him again. So, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this is the thing that will open her eyes to my brother's ways. I don't know. I'm going to do my best not to let this ruin my Christmas. Why do people have to act this way? What a big jerk!
Current Mood:
angry angry
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I know...this is a journal, and because I expect readership, I need to post regularly. Yeah. Well, this week and last has been grading hell. I finished my grades today and posted before I left the office this afternoon. What is done is done. Only three more working days, then I'm on holiday till December 29! While on holiday, I plan to write in my journals(this one and my other, very popular one), write stories, and generally--write. I can't wait. Last weekend was whirlwind as well. The kiddos had their Christmas play and they were excellent (so were the other kids). What was the most interesting about that wasn't actually the kids, but some of us adults. There is this person at church that is very single and very available. If you read my other journal, you can find a picture of him in my archives. We were talking about relationships and he made the observation that he kept picking the same kind of woman over and over again (he's been married two times) and it never works out. Of course, I was thinking, I'm different, pick me. Not that I know anything about his former wives, but somehow, I knew I was different. Now honestly, I'm not sure we would work anyway. He's attractive, talented, and nice, but we both have nasty baggage from the past, and I'm not sure I want to deal with that sort of thing. Like I said before, maybe I'm just a chicken. There is no man in my age range that doesn't come with baggage of some sort. I'm being silly. I think what I'm worried about really is that I have baggage and idiocyncrasies and personality quirks that no man will be interested in getting past to love me. I know that this insecurity comes from things that happened to me during previous relationships, and I also know that I have to get past the insecurity in order for any relationship to work. It's just hard to shake the idea that I might be difficult to love. I guess, though, if you get down to it, we're all difficult to love, aren't we? Maybe that's what makes real love so wonderfully intoxicating. Two people manage to get past all the stupid little things (I'm not talking about things that crush your partner's soul, or make them feel less than they really are) that make a person who they are and still feel a connection, a passion, a bond that cannot be ignored. I want that. I keep thinking that I need to ask Santa for a boyfriend, but I'm still not sure I'm really, really ready. I just don't want to botch up things. I've been in lust, I've been in passion, but I've never really been in love I don't think. When it happens, I want it to be right. I want it to be everlasting. Am I asking too much?
Current Mood:
contemplative contemplative
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Ok. Honestly, the reason I started this account was because I have some friends here on LJ and I wanted to be able to read their journals. My main journal is through AIM, and I'm very dedicated to taking care of that journal (I have readership there). Still, I hate blank spaces, so here I am.

First, an explanation of my journal's name. Illusion of Invisibility stems from my first journal "The Other Invisible." Why am I invisible? The whole invisibility think stems from a conversation I had with a friend that is single and over-thirty like me. We have been friends since high school. She has never married and I married, but then divorced. We were both feeling rather, well, unseen by the opposite sex. I joked that we should start the "Cult of the Invisible Woman" for women like ourselves that were over thirty and feeling unseen and unappreciated. The idea sort of stuck with us. I even used the idea for a book proposal I wrote for one of my classes last year. Then we tried to start a website, but it's not moving very far yet. In June, my friend started her journal on AIM and I thought, well why should she have all the fun, and started "The Other Invisible." For a couple of months, my journal foundered. I had no audience. Then, much to my surprise, after doing a little visiting around the community, I gained a very supportive audience. Not a large audience, but an audience willing to read my stuff. So this still doesn't explain the title of this journal does it?

After feeling invisible for so long, I think I'm beginning to have moments where I'm truly noticed by the opposite sex. This is a strange feeling, especially after eight years of singularity and feeling like I was see through. Maybe my invisibility was just an illusion--a way for me to keep myself from trying to get close to any man. Being single is scary sometimes, but being in a relationship is a whole lot scarier in my mind.

Yes, I am a relationship chicken. In so many ways, I feel like I'm still a pre-teen. Rather than actually getting close to the men that have the potential to rock my world (and yes, there are a few in close proximity that have that possibility), I stare, make nice small-talk, be their friends, and pine for them when no-one can see me doing it. Then, if they give me signals, I miss the signals. After that, there's the big "DOH" moment, and I can't go back and change what happened. This happened just a few days ago. Someone was right in front of me, waiting to do something really nice, and I missed the cue. The saddest part is I don't know if this person was being nice or being attracted. I wish I knew, but I don't dare ask. Why? Aren't I an adult? Don't adults ask those sorts of questions? I don't know...I just don't know.

So, what is this journal going to be about? It's going to be about me, the journey I'm on to figure out what's up with the relationship thing we all go through, and probably a little bit of everything else I'm into. It should prove to be a fun ride. I promise not to whine--much, and I hope that along the way that I can figure out why it is that I miss those ever important cues from the male portion of the population.

Stay tuned...
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